Your faith is so strong you give me goosebumps.
I read that on my Facebook page this morning and I wasn’t sure what to think. I’m sure it was meant as a compliment. As a matter of fact, I know it was. The woman who wrote it isn’t just some random somebody. She is a friend, and I am confident that she was trying to be uplifting in her words.
Problem is, reading the words made me feel sort of like a fake and a phony.
Strong faith…ME? I sure don’t feel like I am very strong in my faith. I feel SCARED, more scared than I want to admit. First the back. Then the stroke. And now the doctors tell me there are two masses on my thyroid. I found out about the masses on Monday, and was told on Tuesday that more tests need to be done to determine just what the masses are. My doctor did say that he thinks it is very unlikely that either mass is cancer. Thank you, Jesus, for that!
Back to the faith thing…. My friend posted the above comment because I’d something along the lines of being scared but trusting that God will get me through this. I don’t know that it is really some deep seeded, strong faith that made me do that. It’s the fear.
I can’t do anything about what is happening, so I have no choice but to let God handle it all.
On my own, I am too weak to handle this. Trying to be strong—for my husband, for my kids, for everyone around me—is so tiring. Sometimes I feel like I can’t even admit out loud that I am scared.
But I am. My name is Lynn, and I am scared of what is happening inside of my body right now.
The way I see it, though, I have two choices. I can give in to that fear and hide in my bed with a box of Girl Scout Cookies and a tub of butter pecan ice cream, avoiding anyone and everyone who loves me. After all, if I don’t see them, I won’t have to pretend to be strong.
Or I can admit to the fear and hand it off to God. Health issues aside, I have a great life. My husband is the best I could ever have hoped for. I swear, he makes Prince Charming look like an ogre. My sons are full of life and full of love. My parents are awesome. And I have the most wonderful friends a girl could want. And I have a ministry through my writing that I can feel God moving through. If I give into the fear, I could never enjoy and appreciate any of that.
This song by Matthew West has been on my heart all week long. It says just what I am feeling.
God, I can’t do this on my own—I don’t have the strength. But I know that I can do ALL things through Your strength. Thank you, thank you, thank you!