The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A friend shared this verse with me four years ago, in the days following my miscarriage. Brokenhearted and crushed—yeah, that pretty much described me then.
It has taken time, but the closeness I feel to the Lord has healed my heart and spirit.
Yet there are times when I think about that baby girl. Sometimes the thoughts are expected—like around the anniversary of the miscarriage and around the due date I had been given. Other times, the thoughts of her are completely unexpected.
One of those unexpected moments occurred on May 17. I was standing in the church entry hall, greeting friends as they came in. The weekly announcements were flashing on the monitor on one wall. One slide flashed across the screen, announcing the birth of a new baby in our church. A baby girl named Rylee.
Seeing her name knocked the wind out of me. It was the name and spelling we had planned to use for our little girl. It’s an unusual spelling, and one I didn’t expect to see. I was so not prepared to see it, or to have the need to use the name for another child.
To make the moment worse, my mind flashed back to a conversation I’d had not ten minutes before. The pastor’s wife had talked to me about the baby. Her family is new to the church. Barb thought the Ladies of Faith might want to host a shower for the baby. She thought that would be a great way to celebrate the new baby and to make her family feel welcome. As the director of the Ladies of Faith, it would be up to me to talk to the family and arrange the shower. I love babies, so I said of course I would do it. Shower themes and game ideas started running through my head.
So now I find myself in the position of planning a baby shower for little Rylee.
To be honest, I am scared. This little child deserves to be celebrated. Her birth is a miracle. But can I do it? Can I celebrate her without letting my feelings of emptiness and jealousy ruin it?
Oh, Lord, please help me here. Help me put this Rylee and her family ahead of my own comfort. I want to show them Your love. And I can’t do it if I let my loss control my life. I want YOU to be the one in total control of my life.